Dave Barry Turns Forty by Dave Barry

Author:Dave Barry [Barry, Dave]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-75873-6
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2010-07-28T04:00:00+00:00

emember when you were a kid, and it seemed as though there was too much time? I can remember, at around age 9, having so much spare time, especially during the summer, that I could afford to spend entire days on activities such as coloring my entire stomach blue with a ballpoint pen, or breaking the world’s record for Highest Pile of Cheerios Stuck Together with Peanut Butter, or conducting a scientific experiment to see exactly how many candles the dog would eat before it started walking funny.

Well, those innocent days are long gone. Today, as grownups, we’re all so busy rushing madly around trying to meet the demands of families, friends, careers, homes, etc., that we barely have time for personal hygiene, which many people now are forced to perform in the car. Especially women. Most women manage to arrive at work looking terrific, but a lot of them got into their cars looking like Oonga, She-Walrus of the North. Driving to work on I-95 in Miami, I have seen women styling their hair, putting on makeup, sometimes even sticking their arms out the windows on both sides of the car to be worked on by professional manicurists riding motorcycles. Of course, this requires them to take their hands off the wheel, but in Miami (Official Driving Motto: “Death Before Yielding”) this actually gives them an advantage.

Male drivers, of course, generally don’t engage in such automotive beauty regimens. Males like to save their precious car time for picking their noses. For some reason, males think that car windows have one-way glass, so when they stop at a red light, even with cars all around them, they’ll start rooting around their nostrils as though they have a gold brick in there. This is why truly classy individuals such as Donald Trump have those dark-tinted windows on their limousines. (Not that I’m suggesting here that Donald Trump picks his nose. That’s why he has a staff, for God’s sake.)

My point is that the older you get, the less you can afford to fritter away your valuable time on wasteful and stupid activities such as reading either of the two preceding paragraphs. You need to learn some proven time-management techniques, which we’ll get to after we kill a few more minutes here with:

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